i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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