from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
whose ass print is on the piano?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
