when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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