it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
