my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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