The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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