I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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