Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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