Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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