I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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