Please, let me fuck your mom
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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