I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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