You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
40s are totally the cure
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
