I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
