Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
