I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
