I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
