ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize