We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is Oprah even human
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
