Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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