i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
