I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
