I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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