I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
