i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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