Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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