if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
