I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
