do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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