All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
