You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
