ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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