Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize