peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
