He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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