I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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