I skipped work to stalk him.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
not ubering you a puppy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
