Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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