the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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