you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
