ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
