Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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