I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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