maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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