I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
