Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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