Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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