Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
