Tell her she can't have a vagina
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
