My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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