yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize