is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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