my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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