$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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