I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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