my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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