My underwear smells like fireworks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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