I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
