Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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