I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
