You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
